


One with the Sea

by ChaoticPandemonium



Category: Original Work
Genre: Death, Death by Drowning, Depression, Dreaming, Drowning, Fake Character Death, Fish, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jellyfish, Original Character Death(s), Original Character-centric, Original Fiction, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Pond, References to Depression, Sad Ending, Sea, Suicide, Water, depressive disorder, result of my own depression, suicide is not the answer, written at midnight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-03
Updated: 2017-07-03
Packaged: 2018-11-22 18:15:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,221
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11385681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChaoticPandemonium/pseuds/ChaoticPandemonium
Summary: As they slowly fell in love with the sea, they fell out of love with the life.





	One with the Sea

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the tags before reading this, this is not meant to be happy. This does not end well so please if this will be triggering or hurt you do not read!

Part of me had never quite understood jellyfish, yet another part of me was completely enamoured by them in every way. An ephemeral creature simply going with the flow – literally. A silent creature with no fear as they quietly go where they are pushed by the waters will, taking them all over. All in a short period giving them a beautiful and fulfilled life disregarding its brevity. I believe this, is where the animal won me over, its quick death. They never reach an age leading them to question their own desire to continue a meaningless existence on a planet running its self into the ground. Even with immortality within their grasp, they show no fear or sorrow, an animal living for its simplicity, something I have come to envy.  
  


Something that always attracted me to them was their relatively small stature, but their immense power over others in their territory given to them by the sea. Any unsuspecting animals can be taken out with something so small, thin and fragile, yet has control over another’s life cutting short. I have never found another animal I find so engaging for their way of nourishing themselves, no other animal has seemed to give the lack of attention to it as they do.  
  
Ever since I was young I had dreamt of becoming one with the sea, though the largest effect I could have was a small ripple in the tiniest pond a small way into the forest that surrounded me. Strangely enough, the pond created waves in my life that held me down and gave me the sensation of drowning without touching the water. Each thing in the pond seemed meaningless to a world trying to push forward, but the small animals desperately held onto life doing what was needed. Their pointless attempts to cling to their fleeting lives confused me, even now I cannot grasp their desire to survive when the planet is dying. I myself have never felt the strong desire to thrive, let alone survive. I spent many years watching jellyfish in any way I could never figure out what made me relate to them to deeply, so deeply I was awe-stricken by them every time.  
  
When I was only six my parents moved us to a small house in the country bordering a large lake with little human activity. However, I was devastated to find out the lake held no jellyfish. However from then on, it was hard to keep me out of the water, my family joked calling me a fish to my displeasure. I did not want to be a mere fish, I wished to be one with the water; like a jellyfish. I was much older though when I also realized my annoyance with myself. I had spent all these years pining after the ocean but had never made an attempt to remedy my sadness. On the other hand, the agony I had once felt had now dulled to numb emptiness.  
  
In the days leading up to my final act, I discovered what had made me feel excessively connected to a jellyfish, it was all because I too was boneless, figuratively of course. But I truly was a boneless person who never acted on their desires, I could only be described as a jellyfish, going through the motions going where the current decides. This realization gave me the motivation to do what needed to be done, I needed to finally give myself to the water that called – screamed my name.  
  
I remember the day I walked towards the edge of the lake for the last time, a sunny September morning, although the suns heat seemed to be completely reflected as I felt no warmth. I felt nothing at all. I had dressed in my favourite plain outfit, tidied my things, but said no goodbyes. I wasn’t leaving truly, I’d always be with everyone, as one with the water. I huffed walking towards lakes beginning or end, the weights hanging from my hands seemed heavier than they had ever been but determination kept me moving to know they would complete the job. I made it to the dock knowing that this decision was the right one, my hands twitched with anticipation as I tied the ropes around my ankles. I still took my time making sure each knot was tight and secure to prevent the anchors from sinking without me. My mouth felt dry as my body longed for the end. Once I was finally ready to take the plunge I looked at the sky with disgust, I did not need the sky for it was only a copy of the sea, mimicking it with malice. Behind the sky was endless, but all I desired the oceans, rivers, lakes, ponds, and streams offered me. I felt myself smile a foreign feeling after years of sadness and numbness having soaked my body.  
  
I sat by the deepest part that the dock touched, a sudden drop in depth that I had measured some years ago. I knew this area would suffice, its deepest point reaching about nine feet. I stood up slightly crouching as I picked up the weights enough to dump myself into the water efficiently. I paused a moment though it was not myself questioning the situation I had put myself in. I was basking in the feeling of excitement to finally know the end of what a pointless life I had been crawling through begrudgingly. The twitch in my hand finally lead to me dropping a weight slightly, causing my body to scream to go now, before someone discovered me. I dropped the weights in the lake and rolled myself in at the same time, I tried to release as much air as possible to make sure my time at the bottom would be short. However, I brain only focused on the rush of being yanked down to the bottom of the lake, the waters pressure slowly building and I wrapped my hands around my head.  
  
Once I reached the bottom my senses started to catch up to the moment. Coldness wrapped it hands around pouring into my bones chilling me inside and out. Pain coursed through my entire body, only swelling as my body spent all the oxygen, and the pressure crushed it out of me. I opened my eyes my vision blurred from the water, and the lack of oxygen flowing my brain. I knew any second my body would force me to breath, and I accepted it hoping it would come sooner than later. Agony destroyed me as I reached out my arms helplessly, I felt my body force inhalation. My throat and nose burned like fire as water filled my lungs painfully without remorse. My vision completely cut out, my hearing focusing in on my beating heart slowly cutting out as oxygen could not be supplied to my limbs, all sensation was lost throughout my body. I felt weightless, I could not help wondering if this was how jellyfish felt. In some of my final moments I felt familiarity, the feeling of sinking I had been feeling since I could remember, the mental sensation was sadness. In my true end, the fire overtaking my respiratory system died down as I was warmly welcomed into the darkness, into a sense of peace.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this from 11:30pm to 12:45pm as a way to release some of my own pent up sadness. This is not meant to glorify or recommend suicide! If you are suicidal seek help, it is okay to do that. I'm also not trying to say drowning isn't a big deal as well! This is full of serious topics not meant to be taken lightly! This is just the result of my own depression, anxiety, and lack of sleep!


End file.
